The Pain Behind Those Smiles…..

This year has been as wonderful as it has been brutal in some ways…… since the start of the year to now (the last day), I feel like we’ve lived a thousand lifetimes. Earlier this year as part of our case against the hospital we had to face a brutal series of probing and invasive questions over many sessions from a psychiatrist to try and compare our life before that fateful night, to the life we now live since his death. They want to know just how severely his death has affected our lives, or I guess whether or not it has at all. It’s an atrocious thing to have had to go through…. and I particularly wish that the kids hadn’t had to do it at all. Although they were certainly a lot less affected by it than I was. (Thanks to a very aware child psychaitrist.) I had to go in first for both of them and pre tell him really just how bad it had been for them since we lost Trenton. Including the details of what they saw that night. It was more horrendous than I’d imagined, and now that the year has progressed and the reports have returned to us, it’s become really apparent to me just how screwed up it has left them both. There is a wake of horribleness that is left behind a death like this, and it keeps dispersing shitty new scenarios for you to tackle sporadically….. but never when you are prepared for it.  Of course you get your typical, totally to be expected feelings, like you’ve lost a limb….. and then the desperation that follows to fight to maintain some kind of security, stability or sanity again. Throw in the loss of a routine for two and a half years now…. and I gotta tell you it’s taking it’s toll on all three of us. The lack of sleep, motivation to work or keep the house looking good, to visit old friends, or to try and get to work or school on time….. well it’s leaving me feeling pretty ashamed of what I should be doing, and what I’m really not. I have been gazing around guiltily at this beautiful home of ours and the garden I adore but barely look at…… but it’s all a constant reminder that I have this place due to the fact that I no longer have Trenton. It’s killing me slowly to have it, but not appreciate it…. because I am so grateful…… I know if he could have wished to leave one thing behind for us it would have been for us to have somewhere to grow our roots and feel safe and secure always. But damn…… it’s a catch 22. My resolution this coming year is to love this whole place like I loved that man. Fiercely, and without a second thought. My girls need their original Mum back…. the one that didn’t scream, or cry at the drop of a hat, and could swallow any bullshit to be there 100% for them. But the version of myself that could stand her ground and be tough with love, not anger. Those reports have now reminded me that no one came out unscathed from this tragedy. And if I’m honest, we didn’t have it all that easy beforehand….. I know that their anxiety of me being anywhere else but by their sides has torn me down to a shell of my former self, but after reading the reports again I realise that it is utter desperation to not let me out of their sites in fear of losing me too. How bloody awful for them. I never lost a parent, and I still need mine on a daily basis at the age of 38…. so I don’t think that I will ever fully understand their version of grief. And although I carry my own pain, I was lucky enough to have the kind of childhood that can prepare you for surviving teenagehood, and then adulthood. Theirs is now an unpredictable unstable, unsure existence that will make any kind of decision making very challenging for them. My job now is to put the pieces of my life back together so I can handle the next phase of our lives…. high school for Rubes, and some independance from Ruby for Poppy. Life bloody goes on doesn’t it? Happy New Years people. XXX