Well, it’s been a while and I feel like I’ve really neglected you. For a very long time you were the very reason I got up each day, and you certainly got me through the endless long nights… So thank you. Life has been like a whirlwind since we last spoke…. this household is never boring… there is always something going on, between the combined families of two adults and five children, I guess it’s impossible for it not to be…. The kids are growing up, changing, maturing… the fights are becoming more full on, the problems more pubescent… it reminds me a lot of my own teenage years where the struggle was real!
It has not gotten passed me just how similar (yet somewhat different) the problems these kids face today are compared to the version that we got in the 90’s…. the nastiness is still there, but amplified by the ability to project it from the comfort and safety of a bedroom via a phone. The level of abuse is in a whole new realm of its own…. things that might have been said as an absolute last resort are now being texted casually at the end of a person’s snapchat or instagram post, as though they were writing xoxo. Wow… “GKY” (Go Kill Yourself) has been normalized so much that I feel some kids are writing it without realising what they are saying to each other. “Go die in a hole” is another. I feel like our everyday relationships are following suit with the carelessness of thoughtless comments.
In a time where we are desperately trying to take the stigma away from talking about suicide and depression, the adolescents of the world are sure not helping. In saying that, I have heard it come out of the mouths of Mothers in front of their young children, and between grown arse adults in the street…. so will this be the legacy of 2019? Fuck, I hope not.
These past few years with a very problematic teenager (who is also suffering from multiple medical conditions), me entering my second year as a Youth AOD Outreach Worker and trying to balance two combined families that are getting tougher to manage has taken it’s toll on us all. It’s become normal to feel utterly exhausted, and rare to feel relaxed and chilled. My relationship has been pushed to the back burner, and I miss my friends and family so much. I would love to find a balance where I could continue the job that I love, see my mates and family regularly, look forward to our five kid weekends again, and NOT stress about our cash flow. First world problems, I know.
At the end of a long day working with sometimes homeless, traumatised, socially isolated, disregarded and often misunderstood young people that have trouble with their substance use, I think I am very lucky that this is not what we face here in our home. But I must say that going from working all day with young people that suffer mental health and heading straight home to people that suffer mental health is bloody hard yakka. I think I am also one of those people, so no finger pointing. I don’t think you can survive the death of a husband or father without coming out with battle scars. And they don’t go away. Over the course of six years it has taken many forms, and played many different roles in our day to day lives. But like a shadow, it will follow us around in some form forever. I do feel very sorry for the people who have come and gone into our lives, we are not an easy family to love.
Next Friday I get to go and celebrate my partner’s 40th birthday in Scotland where his ancestors are from. It was going to be a brilliant surprise that I opened a secret account to save for, but after a year and a bit I had a measly amount, so I had to tell him and ask for his help to save! We had the most amazing trip to Canada and Alaska for mine two years ago this November, and met a wonderful Irish couple on the Alaskan part of our holiday who we will be visiting in Ireland once we have done the Isle of Skye in Scotland. It’s been the one thing that has driven me through my shifts each day, and pushed me through my weeks at home. It’s amazing what a holiday on the horizon can do for motivation!
It has also made me reflect on just how lucky we are to have these family members that we do, because although my family offers a most challenging of scenarios most days, for almost three weeks I have some wonderful friends and family members taking it in turns to move into our home and look after my girls. Wow. We must have done something right to warrant such incredible support.
So upon reflection, thank you Blog for allowing me to vent, thank you family and friends for always being there for me, thank you Dale for lasting as long as you have and for gifting me those beautiful boys, thank you Degree for allowing me to realise my dream job, and thank you readers for giving me a reason to keep writing for all of these years. It has been the best therapy a woman could ask for.
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