So my beautiful husband…. it seems missing your face will never end. It’ll be 4 years in July, and tomorrow is your 41st birthday. It seems strange telling you something that should be blooming obvious to you already…. but you see, I kind of dont know where you are. Sometimes I feel like I am walking around in someone elses body… living someone elses life.. cause this one is not the one that we had planned together. Hey…. don’t get me wrong. Nothing turns out the way we plan it, thats life, truly. But every now and then I have to remember where we were, what we were dreaming of, where our favourite places were to go…. what shit we spun to each other in the wee hours of the morning. Because life has changed so much since you died. To be truthful it feels like ten years since I’ve seen you, cracked a beer with, had a laugh with you…. or watched on adoringly as you had your girls in hysterics…. I miss you. Ridiculously. I wish people knew once they passed away, just how big a void they left….. I get these constant memories popping up in my Facebook feed, 4 years ago today, 5 years ago today, 9 years ago today….. and I know I can turn them off…. but I can’t bring myself to do it….. because I’d rather be reminded and smile, or cry… than not be reminded and forget how incredible you were and what a crazy old life we were honoured to have together. Ironically, this weekend the girls are back in Sydney at a Camp for kids that have lost a parent or a sibling. I say ironically, because they will be there, without me, when your birthday comes around. They were not super happy about it… nor was I. But perhaps being with 60 other kids that have suffered a loss as great as theirs is just what they need this weekend. Me… I’ll be having a lasagne, or a parma, or a pork belly in your memory, with the man that came along and took on our broken little family, and will be grateful as hell to have him by my side. This past few months has not been awesome….. I wont lie. In between full time study, part time work and full time parenting, I feel like I have bitten off more than I can chew. Who me, you say??!! Yeah, I know I always did like to take on everything all at once. I think I have always wanted to prove to the world that you can have your cake and eat it too… well… I’m not always right, (contrary to my own strong beliefs!) Daughter number one has had a stint of very poor mental health and even required hospitalization. That was tough….. really tough. It affected her little family like you can only imagine… We take for granted so much having a well mind. Everyone does. We have a team of professionals helping us to help her, so everything is crossed that someone will get into her head and give her the tools to help herself through this time. The underlying feeling the head Doc had was actually grief, which was a bit of a surprise to me…. not that she shouldn’t be grieving still… but I guess with her, its often been a case of “If I dont talk about it, I can probably avoid having to live through the pain of it all.” So I guess in some ways, she’s grieved the least obviously. But I’ve always strongly believed that everything you don’t deal with now will catch up with you eventually. And so it has. Anyway… I’ve gone off track (once again). I couldn’t have let a birthday pass without acknowledging that if you were never born, none of us would have had the pleasure of knowing you, or loving you and in turn, missing you. So wherever you are Trenton, Happy birthday. The people who still adore and miss you dearly will be cheersing you all over the place tomorrow. Thank you for leaving your legacy in my hands. (Well two legacies actually.)
Xxxx
