Man…. life can be challenging sometimes. No one really knows what another person is actually going through on a day to day basis….. I mean, the charcoal chicken lady got to know me pretty well after my husband died, but she didn’t know my husband died. She probably just thought I was lazy, or perhaps saw me as her best customer…… But then I didn’t know what she went home to every night either. Life is a little bit of a facade…… you can guess what someone is going through by trying to read their body language, looking at their messy hair, or unwashed clothes… or even trying to find something behind their eyes. But will you ever really know if they don’t want you to? I was able to put on my working hat once I returned to my job after becoming a widow at 36. In fact I loved to go and pretend I had a totally normal life at home. But it does follow you….. my kids were a mess, there were multiple calls or texts a day about them, or from them, and eventually it started to affect my ability to keep on task. This year I started a full time Uni degree. Three years after the event that changed our little family forever, and I am still dealing with the after effects of what happened to us. I struggle daily with the work load of Uni, having developed a new level of anxiety of my own, because between balancing school and a job, the kids and their own issues, it’s sometimes tough to not lose my shit completely. There are still multiple anxious texts every day from daughter number 1 who is currently trialling her third school. She’s the square peg that everyone keeps trying to fit into that round hole. She’s only thirteen and is travelling an hour and a half each way, every day, on public transport in the hope that they will accept her for the person she is, not hope for her to become the person that they want her to be. With the dilemma’s that she faces on a daily basis, you would never know that she has Aspergers, Adhd or Severe Anxiety Disorder. But she does. I am always amazed at how much she can tackle with these ailments….. You’d say that you “wouldn’t” or “couldn’t”, but when you’re not given the option, you just get on with it don’t you? I am grateful for every breath I get on this Earth, but damn, does it like to throw shit in our faces sometimes. Perhaps it’s all just a massive test…. or test after test after test. Whether it’s watching another family go through what you’ve already been through, or someone trying to get their head around the death of a young person, the devastation after a fallout of a long term friendship, trying to watch your child unsuccessfully tackle the system that was not not designed with them in mind, looking on helplessly as someone struggles with the demons in their own head, or watching couples silently battle unsuccessfully to have children year after year after year….. it’s sometimes just so bloody hard. Is it all just to test our resilience? And why does it seem to happen to really great people? When do you hear that a really bad person, that has made really shit choices in their life, that has thrown others under the bus to get what they want….. when do you hear that they suffered a significant loss? Or that they got cancer….. or that things didn’t work out for them the way they had hoped? I’m sure it occurs, but why do we only hear about it happening to the most deserving of people? Every time I hear a new story of sadness, it seems to start with “Oh they are just the most gorgeous couple/family/person…….” Well that’s just fucking shit! Sometimes I don’t want to just “accept it.” Sometimes I want to say “Go fuck yourself Life.” Is it too much to ask to have a break from watching good people suffer? Come on!!!! I know that we all fight our own internal battles. This is why I try and be grateful for what I do have and not what I don’t. But we’re only human. And we’re aloud to be a little self absorbed sometimes. (I think I have been a little lately.) With assignments coming out my backside, one daughter struggling to just fit in (again), another with a snapped ligament in her ankle and a need for extra care from me and my own anxiety through the roof, I have really felt just a little bit “sorry for myself.” The littlest things get to me, because I’m exhausted! But when I look around and see that everyone is fighting their own internal battles, I realise that this is just simply, “Life.” If we assume that it’ll get better or easier, then are we not just bull-shitting ourselves? Maybe it will…. and maybe it won’t. But perhaps we just have to find a little positive in every day and concentrate on that. Life is what happens when you are waiting for life to happen!
Peace the fuck out. xxx