On Saturday night I got to be a part of a nation wide Young Widows and Widowers Australia catch up in Melbourne. (The YWWA) It has been my saviour to find these men and women that have had their lives touched in the same way that mine has been touched. It’s the exclusive kind of group that not just anyone can join…. and for good reason. Everyone that is a part of this and our other Melbourne based group the “WWSG,” has tragically lost a partner/husband/wife/father or mother to their children all under the age of 50. Such an unfair age to go, which brings many more elements of difficulty into an already horrendous situation. Dying at such a young age means that not everyone got to have “that talk.” If they died suddenly and unexpectedly like my husband did, you may not have known yet what your partner’s wishes would have been for your future. For their children. For their funeral. For their extended family. I consider myself one of the lucky one’s in that many a drunken (and sobre) night was spent talking to Trenton about what would happen if either of us would go early. I knew that he wanted to be cremated, that it would not be a religious ceremony, that it would be filled with music and speeches, that he wanted me to always be a part of his immediate family’s life and that his friends were as good as immediate family to him…… he adored them all so much. He made me promise to find love again, and live the life he clearly couldn’t if he were gone. I of course told him I’d never love again if he left me like that. (I remember furiously telling him it better be me that went first as I wouldn’t survive his loss.) I was wrong on many levels, and he was right. I did survive….. barely at times. But here I am. Still standing. The thing is that being widowed at 35 was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure…. and being re partnered is wonderful in many ways, but does not take away the pain of the loss of your “pre widowed” life. How could it? Trenton was the BIGGEST part of my first 35 years on this planet. Without him I wouldn’t have experienced the deepest kind of love and commitment that we did, the wonders of marriage, creating children together, buying a first home or any of these bloody wonderful things that “mostly” I won’t experience ever again. I will see him in our girls eyes every day until the day I die, so in that way he will always be here with me. Some of the stories that I have learned through these two Widow support groups have been heart wrenching. Mind blowingly sad. Sometimes these stories remind how lucky I am to have a family by my side, for some do not even have this luxury. The very sad ways that people can die, the devastating stories of families falling apart after the loss of their loved ones. As horrible as this is, it seems to happen a lot. I know that such a trauma can make people think (or not think), and do silly shit. But damn, I just know the person that did not get to live on would most definitely want everyone left to band together to pull each other through….. it seems so cruel to me that they would then lose further people that were once a massive part of their lives. So being re partnered has changed my daily life. I once again have a solid person to turn to when things are unbearable, to share the sleepless nights with when the kids are sick, having nightmares, or just missing Daddy. To have someone to look forward to going away on holidays again with (as most of you know, one of my all time favourite things to do….) and to have a future to plan and look forward to once again…… albeit it a different one than I had before. And with him came his three beautiful, hilarious, loving, kind and innocent little boys, bringing a smile again to my once very broken little family. The joy they have given to me is unexplainable, let alone the obvious changes in my kids happiness since they all came along. If I was spiritual at all (I know….. I’m bloody not….) I would believe that Trenton plucked him out of his not so happy life at the time, and put us all together to learn to really “live again.”
If it was you big fella, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. XOXOX