Its been nearly two years since my last blog, and it was tough enough to write that one without “accidentally” saying something incriminating as we were deep in the bowels’ of a nasty family court battle.
Everything that we said in a text, email, on any social media platform or even out loud to another human being seemed to find its way back to us via the court system.
We were made to be quiet at the most challenging of times.
We have now walked away at the request of the boys – we are exhausted, we are drained of all of our money (having had to remortgage our home to pay for the court costs while they accessed legal aid) and we have been left with no faith in the Australian Family Law System. It is set up to mostly support women, so if you happen to be a woman throwing around false Family Violence accusations, it is bias towards you.
You literally don’t stand a chance if you are a man.
Our nightmare began when our boys started to show signs of parental alienation towards us. It was around November of 2019. We had just had the most incredible 10 day trip to Fiji with all five of our kids earlier that year, and life was finally great. The boys were getting along incredibly with my girls and their Dad and I, and it was the first family holiday that I can say was as close to “perfect” as a family holiday can get. We had attempted to take them overseas prior to that year, but this was the first year they had all been really keen and had agreed as the eldest had always been too anxious to fly. (Not the kind of decision three kids would make if they were terrified of their Dad I’m assuming, but hey -that bullshit was planted later).
Looking back now, the signs were there, but you want to believe the best in people, and so you chip away at the presenting issues, and you just hope that things will get better. They started to turn up to our house every other weekend and every other Tuesday for dinner on the defensive. They would walk through the door and at least one of them would be a little withdrawn, or perhaps a little snappy and it would take a bit of work to get them feeling relaxed and comfortable. The youngest had stopped turning up for dinner a few months prior under the guise that he was “too tired” mid week to catch up.
Then we would go away caravanning or similar, and they’d spend the first hour or two of the trip taking the piss out of everything related to caravanning and how lame it was (even though they’d always loved that we often went away caravanning/camping etc), but it was as though they had been prepped to bag the shit out of anything that we did in this household, even though for “five solid years” they had adored being a part of it.
Its insane to think now that these cruel people were clearly so jealous of what we could offer these children in this household that they couldn’t (or wouldn’t), that they would start planting seeds in their little brains that what they enjoyed here was stupid, and they too were stupid if they enjoyed it.
But that is exactly what they did….. I wonder now how sad their own lives were that all they had going on in it was the incessant drive to destroy another family at any cost…. even if it meant emotionally abusing and literally destroying their own children’s lives along the way.
By February of 2020, things were concerning so we attempted to attend mediation to put a parenting plan in place. We had co parented for five years with “mostly” no issues, and considering how these cruel people came to be a couple (years and YEARS before my partner and his ex had officially separated), I thought “they” were the lucky ones that my partner had been so accommodating and forgiving of their affair. We never shared that information with the boys, because you just don’t do that…
We waited six weeks for her to attend her mediation, and then were immediately deemed “as not right for mediation”, something that only happens when someone feels unsafe or a family violence order is in place. We couldn’t understand it, as these things were not the case with our families….. or so we thought.
The pandemic hit, and when the first lockdown came we received a text message stating that the boys would not be staying at our house during lockdowns. The eldest had stopped responding to our text messages and this was the only way we communicated to all of them. This was so unlike him and we were really concerned about their welfare.
We got a lawyer. We were not eligible for legal aid as we both worked – they didn’t, so they were.
And so the war began.
Our lawyer asked us if they had possibly moved house as a letter kicking off court proceedings needed to be delivered registered post style (so a signature would be required at the front door by the recipient on the letter) and we didn’t have the answer…. we started worrying that they had moved, so one evening we drove past their home – myself, my partner and my youngest daughter. This would ultimately give them the ammunition that they needed to start the nastiest fight I’ve ever been unfortunate enough to be a part of, and the lies would start to be flung at all of us, no-one would be safe from their venom.
Even though we were chased by the man of the house that night for driving past his driveway (think crazy person style – tailing us in his car all the way to a set of lights halfway back to our home where he got out of his car, tried to wrench open my car door, then went around and tried to do the same to my partners – all in front of my then 12 year old daughter in the back seat) it was he that piled his partner and the boys into the car that night, went to the police station and put a “stalking” Family Violence interim intervention order on my partner. He was served that week, told he couldn’t call, email, text or contact his three children or his ex himself or via another family member (or be within 5 metres of them) until the interim order was accepted for 12 months, or lifted.
It took two years and over $60,000 in the family courts for that fake interim order to be lifted. He never accepted it because it wasn’t true, but regardless he couldn’t have any contact with his children in that two years unless supervised, and of course the supervised visits never happened because those poor boys were told lie after lie after lie in the time that they were away from their other family, until they started to believe that they had in fact had an abusive childhood, that their Dad had psychically abused them, and that every car that passed their home or school was their Dad stalking them with guns, because that’s what the interim orders said right? (This is where the system needs changing – I could go and get an interim intervention order on my neighbour right now and say that they’ve been stalking me with knives – no proof is required – NONE).
Even though all of the private family reports we paid to have done during court went in our favour – the damage had already been done, and they believe what they have been told by those they should be able to trust the most.
I cannot imagine what those boys have been through….. not only did they lose their Dad, but a fake abusive childhood was created in their heads over the two years that none of our family had access to them (including their own adored grandparents) and now it seems as though they believe that they grew up in such an environment. They were taken to a psychologist six months into this court case, and by then they believed that their gun wielding Dad was a crazy man trying to steal them away from their Mum, wanted to hurt their Mum and step father, and so that is what they told the psychologist. How can a battle be fought when the most horrendous form of parental alienation has been implemented, and how can this child abuse ever be undone?
I always thought that at least my partners boys did not have a childhood like my girls, who lost a father at the age of six and ten, stunting their development and basically destroying any chance at a normal childhood.
These despicable humans created an abusive childhood in the heads of these boys, and by doing so (simply to win at a cruel game) have destroyed their chance at normality.
Parental alienation “is” child abuse. Using children to get back at an ex, or take them down for God knows what reason is the lowest form a human can perform.
And those beautiful boys are the victims. My partner and my girls have lost their beloved brothers and son. My future in laws have lost their grandchildren…. who this has affected goes on and on, but ultimately they have destroyed the very children they have spent two years in the courts pretending to protect.
A sadder story I have never told, other than the one of my husband’s death.
And EVERY word of it is true.
This weekend marks the third lot of birthdays that we will miss with our boys, and our lives will never be the same again.
We can only hope that one day they remember the truth and seek us out.
We are here and waiting with open arms and an open door when they do.
*Parental Alienation –
“Parental Alienation is the act of a parent or person coaching/convincing the Children to “break away” from the other parent by way of brainwashing the Children into thinking badly of the targeted Parent often to the point of them refusing to having anything or little to do with that parent, in most cases the Children actually not only believe the words of the Alienator unconditionally at the time but are also coached in such a way as to believe that it is themselves that have made the decission to not love or want to see the other Parent”.
(excerpt from www.parentalalienation.com.au)
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