In The Blink Of An Eye………

There is one standout lesson that I’ve learned this year that keeps popping into my head over and over again. “Everything can change in the blink of an eye.” I’ve learned never to underestimate this old life of ours….. Just when you think you’ve got it…. you bloody well don’t. But just when you think that you’ve finally lost it…. something will happen to make you realise otherwise. I stumbled across some eulogies from Trenton’s memorial recently, and I’m finding myself re reading something time and again in my head…… In my eulogy for Trent, I said these exact words…. “If you told me that I’d be married with two kids by the age of 30, I’d have laughed in your face……. but if you’d told me I’d be widowed with two kids by the age of 35 I’d have punched you in the face…….” Well I’m finding myself picking apart my life again on an emotional level…. there has been so much change again since this time last year. This is the toughest time of year by far for a widow/er I think…. or a parent/sibling/child that’s experienced the loss of someone very close. Christmas (at least in our family) has always been less about religion and more about family and friends. It’s always been a time to celebrate how lucky we are to have the support around us that we do, and we’ve traditionally celebrate this by meeting up for a bevvie. (In true Aussie fashion.) Not much has changed in that department I’m glad to say. But it’s a time to reflect on our lot in life, and that’s what I’ve been doing. So you can’t help but think about your lost one’s even more than usual….. This time last year I was heading into my second Chrissy without Trent. It was tougher than the first (as I’ve found all the “seconds” have been…) and when I read back through my blogs I can see the difference in how far I’ve come in some ways, and not at all in others. It’s funny, because the circumstances in your direct life can change dramatically, but the grief doesn’t change at all. This year I was lucky to have met and fallen in love with another man. A man that isn’t my husband. It’s been six months now, and I feel so blessed and lucky, and guilty all in one go to have been given another chance to look after someone really special, and be looked after in return. When you’ve been widowed, this is something you honestly think you’ll never have access to again. You probably feel you’d never want to again. And although you may think otherwise, I’ll tell you right now that it’s almost harder to dive in and “have” that relationship after losing someone like Trenton than it is to choose not to even try…. It’s not been an easy road for the kids or myself, and I’m guessing even tougher for him to walk into such a broken, messed up family. But he’s take every minute of it in his stride. He’s not only welcomed stories about Trent, but he’s asked for them. He includes him in every decision we make, every new experience that we enjoy together, and wants to get to know all of Trenton’s best friends in the hope that he will get to know Trenton himself even better than he does. It seems like a pretty rare thing to me. My home is a shrine to the big guy, and it will probably not change in the distant future. I love seeing his face everywhere in my home, and in a way I think it’s helped the kids not have their memories of him fade one bit. Not that they could to be honest. The family has now grown into a very “modern family” of five kids from two homes,  (he has three boys) one ex boyfriend (who happens to have fathered one of my girls,) his new partner and her two kids, and multiple grandparents from all the families involved. It’s bizarre, but in some way it feels totally normal. We’ve all had to make changes in ways that we may not have chosen to… his kids with the separation of himself and his wife, his wife’s new partner and his two kids, accepting new siblings and relatives, and the juggling of all of the lives involved to make it all “fit” together. It’s hard, but really nice at the same time. I guess you could say that if you’d told me that I’d have met someone new by the age of 38….. well I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t have believed you. So life goes on. It’s the only one sure thing that we all have to hang onto. That it will go on. Merry Christmas all. xxxx