Tonight we leave America behind and get on the long flight home. It feels like we’ve been away for months, and also like it was all over at the click of a finger. It’s been a wonderful journey, with both amazing and frustrating experiences to counterbalance each other. Whenever you are in a different place from your home, you can see your little world like you’re looking through a tv into your own life. It can make it clearer than ever to see what makes you all tick. The girls have both shared with me during this break how they are really going since Trent died. It’s not awesome news I’m afraid. The honesty table has finally come out, and they have both shared that they hate their new lives. Wow… I suppose if I’m honest I can’t say I’m surprised…. but to hear it out of their mouths in what should be a really happy time, it’s tough to swallow…… Ruby poured out her heart to me about how shit her life has been. Her anxieties have hit an all time high and she is terrified to start high school next year because of some bullying that has been going on online, and she hates that we fight 24/7… we are not seeing eye to eye on anything. Poppy still can’t get her head around why he had to die in the first place. She misses him more than life itself, and she cried to me last night that she wishes that I was sharing my deepest thoughts and concerns with her, and not with another man. She wants to be the one to be there for me, which is beautiful. But it’s still heartbreaking to hear. They just wish this tragedy had not happened to us at all…. because things just don’t seem to be getting easier. I feel like I have gone to the ends of the Earth to try and make it as smooth as it can possibly be…. but I’ve failed. Because it isn’t remotely smooth. Not that it could be I guess. I feel like I am leaving this country less positive than when I came….. I’d hoped that some time out and away from our lives would give us the chance that we needed to bond and recoup. But it’s just made our issues stand out like neon lights. Damnit……. I guess this brings me back to square one, to where we were six months into this hell ride. How to heal? How to grieve right? How to pull these kids through in one piece? The only thing I’ve realised is that the answer to these questions is still the same two and a half years later…. Fuck knows. Fuck bloody knows…….
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