Emotional Bloody Roller Coaster…….

Damn I love a good roller coaster… truly. The one thing I’m looking forward to the most in doing this trip to Disneyland in November with Feel the Magic are the many on offer that they have there. Bring it on! It’s the kind of ride that you get on, and hold your tummy in and push your legs down in angst for that drop where your insides are almost outsides, and then just as you hit the uphill part again, it’s freaking amazing….  and then you do it all over again, at least a couple more times. It’s addictive……. but at least you can stop when you’re done. Unlike the emotional version which is life…. It can sometimes make you feel like you’ve just had a gorgeous little puppy plonked in your lap….. and in the next breath it’s been taken and slaughtered in front of your very eyes. It’s never not exhausting, and it doesn’t always end with a feeling that it was all worth it. The Grief support group that we started last week was really wonderfully run. The kids, once I’d convinced them to go into their separate rooms for the children, actually really enjoyed it. I was so relieved. They want to go back, so so far so good. What I did find however, in being someone who has drowned myself and the kids in therapy and group work since Trenton died, is that I don’t really want to go back and re assess the first few weeks, months or years again. I don’t necessarily even want to talk about it. I am entering into a new stage of the grieving process. I have blogged my heart out, literally. I have dragged two non compliant kids to psychologists, and art and music therapists, to Grief Camp in Anglesea, and weekly psych sessions….. and I’m exhausted. To the point where I am literally finding it hard to string sentences together when I’m in company. I have been screwing up at work….. silly little things that have been creating not so little issues for others around me to fix. I’ve been dropped down from three to one shift a week, which is a bit of a kick in the teeth…..  and I have “finally” hit the point where I don’t want to talk about this experience anymore. Out loud anyway. And it’s now affected my work and social life. Two years of the above, and I’m empty of energy. I don’t think about my man any less, or miss or yearn for him less frequently…. I just know the “reality” of him no longer walking this Earth is now not a surreal feeling anymore. It just is what it is. It’s a strange emotion for me. While you are howling night and day, and screaming with such anger at what you have suffered, or have seen your kids suffer, you feel that person running through your angry, hurt blood. It’s like grieving them heavily is what holds them close to you. So when you run out of energy to feel this way….. you just feel numb. I hit that point this last fortnight. And it is not nicer than the alternative, it’s just different. Sitting in that room full of grieving partners…. some three months in, some five years in….. I could relate a little, but found it hard to hear the fresh grief. Really hard. Because I don’t want to go back there. Ever. Hearing the five years widowed folk talk of still feeling similar grief as the early grievers nearly killed me. I know it will be different for all of us. But I cannot commit to five years of mourning, and not living. The mourning will hover I believe, in the back of my head forever….. but I cannot allow it to be first and foremost in my mind anymore. It’s ruining my life. So I’m choosing to jump off this roller coaster, at least for now. I would like to be in control of when I fall apart, and when I don’t, just for a little while please. My head will be deep in my kids emotions of course….. but only until they can find a way off too…… So for now it’s the Merry go Round for me, so I can get on and off as I please. So there’s less extremes on this ride…… who cares?! Maybe that’s just what I need. xxxx