The Melbourne Marathon………..

Soooooooooo……………………. we did it!!!!!! No, we didn’t run a marathon… pretty sure we didn’t even run one hundredth of a marathon! But we walked the three km part, raised a few grand for Feel the Magic (which are the organisation that are sending the kids and I to Disneyland next month) and are feeling pretty happy with ourselves in the part we’ve played to help this awesome charity. It’s seriously always at times likes these where I realise how fabulous my friends and family are. The support we were given through this time, both emotionally and financially has once again blown my mind. This year has been a toughie….. What am I talking about? This past two years and three months have been horrendous….. I know I say it every time we talk, but damn things get harder and harder…… Why? Buggered if I know…. I stupidly assumed that life would get easier, you know, once you’ve hit rock bottom and all that. The past four to six weeks in this house has been hell to say the least. The tension a thousand times higher than what I already thought was as high as it could be….. I have a feeling that my reign of crazy arse strength is dwindling…. and perhaps I have finally dropped the baton, so to speak. This marathon which is my actual life, is the toughest one I’ve faced. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it’s not socially acceptable to still be grieving at this point, this deeply, two years and three months after the event. I know you say that’s bullshit…. but it’s true. I shouldn’t be still screwing up at work this far down the track, turning up late and mucking up little things that I should be able to do standing on my head…… I shouldn’t still be drinking so much, and yelling at the kids when I’m hungover and have zero tolerance…… the kids should be sleeping better and not still crying at night….. we probably shouldn’t still be seeing multiple therapists a week seeing at though it feels like a lost cause…… but all these things are really still happening. Day in and day out. We fight every hour that we’re awake…. and the girls have pretty much decided that I’m a fucking crap Mum, because I have no fuse, and lose it over the smallest things. These things are not in my head. They are fact. How very, very sad….. Anyway, I have come to the realisation that I am not alone, because through my Widow support groups I can see that this is now “normal.” It’s normal if you have experienced someone that is ridiculously close to you being torn out of your life like a page from a book. So it is part of my new “normal.” I don’t really like it, but it was not something that was offered to me, nor something that I could choose to not do. So here it is. I am so grateful for this wonderful trip to Disneyland next month. In some ways it couldn’t have come at a better time. It was well over a year ago that my sister nominated us to go, and it has felt like a dream in the pipelines for so long. I have wanted to escape so many times with the kids, and just spend a few days pretending life was easy again….. so here is our chance. I am hanging to see them laugh and smile and light up with excitement. It’s just too far in between “great days” for my liking. Even with the wonderful, new and interesting things that have been going on in my life as of late, (and they have been amazing….) there is still this constant feeling in my guts that is hard to shake, that you can’t get too happy….. or complacent. I want to live life like there’s no tomorrow, because I know now that there may not be….. but something continuously reminds me that I’m not quite there yet. Faaaaaaaaark……… It’s so bloody frustrating….. I’m ready to be happy again thanks life?? Can you help me out a little????? xxxx