Something New…… Something Old……..

So I recently had my “Weirdo night out”, or Widows night out if you would like me to be grammatically correct. My daughter started calling it my Weirdo night out when she thought that’s what I had said over the phone one night…. and it has just stuck! Ironically there is nothing weird about my Widow crew. They are all such wonderful people from every walk of life you could imagine up…… we may not have met and befriended each other at a pub or a party, but what brings us together is way deeper, more emotional and a lot stronger than most bonds that you can forge with another human being. When I wrote recently of the minority groups that I have found myself in over the years, well it was because I was sitting down one night and really reflecting on what path this old life has taken me down. When I separated from Ruby’s father 11 years ago when she was one, I was absolutely sure that being that I had already had a baby with another man that I would be seen as “damaged goods” by potential partners, and I assumed it would seem as though this “baggage” would always be lurking around somewhere and my child would be going off to see him, or always talking about him. In a perfect world that would have been the case I guess. Instead I fought for him to stay in her life even a smidgen, and even then he failed. So when I met Trenton, and he took Ruby on as his own without me even asking him to…. I felt so lucky. I felt like I had done something right, and that I wasn’t the piece of shit that I thought I was for screwing up the first family I had tried to have. It even took a little of the pain away that I felt for Rubes, who would often call out “Daddy” to random men on the street as she didn’t know what he looked like. How sad?? But how lucky we were. Trenton didn’t see Ruby as a hindrance, but more of a bonus. When I lost Trenton, it was very different than when I lost Rob. Rob was not dead, he was not this incredible person that had changed my little screwed up life for the better, and given me the gift of happiness and the shot at a real family life. He didn’t give me another child that would seal the deal on our gorgeous little family unit that we would go on adventures with, and experience real living with, struggle with, yet excel at new things with….. What Trenton gave us was the gift at a different life….. a better life, and we took it. The years we had with him cannot be compared to any other. These memories cannot be taken out of my heart where they are locked up for all of eternity, nor can they be forgotten…. they were my favourite years so far. He was hilarious, and a wonderful Dad, he was inappropriate in all the right ways, and he was extremely intelligent. He had an incredible group of loyal, devoted friends that just proved what an incredible person he was, and I loved them all instantly. He bought so much to this Earth in his short 37 years that would never have been, and could never have been if he had not walked it. When you are in the “right” relationship it is impossible to not be constantly learning new things. He would gently push me into new things, sometimes at the right times…. and even sometimes at the wrong. But always for good reason. You know it’s not often that you can honestly say that there is not a person on the Earth that doesn’t like someone…… but when you met Trenton that was honestly always the case. He left that impression on everyone… Shop keepers, taxi drivers, bar tenders, check out chicks, buskers…. random people on the street. I used to bag him out for the way his voice changed when he answered his phone. The first thing they teach you in customer service is that you can tell when someone talks on the phone with a smile on their face. This is how he answered the phone even at home…. his voice became animated and his face lit up. He was even polite to telemarketers, and I’m sure they couldn’t believe their luck even though he would not buy anything. If you called, he made you feel glad. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could take a call from him. His messages, emails and phone calls were always loving…. I wish so desperately now that I was not one of those people that deleted every message straight after I had read it. There were millions that I could have read, and reread over and over on those days where I felt I couldn’t get going. Lesson learned. At least not a call was made without ending it with “Love you.” These are the things that you remember when someone has died. That you did love them. That you did show it. That you were there for them. That you would have died for them. That you supported them at their lowest. I will never have any regrets in this way. Many times Trenton and I talked about what we would do if the other died suddenly. We spoke of the scenarios that might be, some almost ridiculous now that I think about them…. but we had “that talk” where we made it clear how the other one would deal with it, and move forward. Of course it’s much easier said than done….. but none the less I feel happy and relieved in the knowledge that I know what choices he would have made for the girls, and I have made the same one’s he would have since that night we lost him. Four months ago I met someone. It took me by surprise, and I won’t pretend it hasn’t been an interesting, tough, eye opening but wonderful experience. In the first two years since Trenton passed, I would have given anything to have had someone to curl up with at night when I cried myself to sleep, to have them waiting for me when I arrived home from work, to rub my neck when I thought my head would explode for all the images I could not shake……. to cry with, to laugh with, to talk to. During those years of lonely nights on the couch consoling myself, after hours of soothing unsoothable children…. the support that I needed I could not have. You cannot have these things immediately after losing the love of your life, because it’s the love of your life that you want to do these things for you, and they cannot. You spend hours asking the Universe why it took the one main thing that made your life worth living. The anger is unmeasurable, the grief unbearable. But here’s the clincher. These things do not go away when you feel love again. The sun shines a little brighter. Food tastes a little better. Problems seem a little easier. The light at the end of the tunnel seems a tiny bit closer. But you still grieve the man that you are still very much in love with. You cannot fall out of love with someone that was taken from you when you were still madly in love with them. It’s almost like the clock that was your life together stopped dead the minute their heart stopped. But all the others just kept on ticking. So I have been hesitant to share my news with the world. I feel lucky, blessed and happy that there is someone to face the world with each day…… but terrified that it will indicate that I have moved “on’ from the big guy…… which I have not. I do not want anyone to think that I have disrespected him by “being” with someone else.  I am lucky because this very amazing person has “made ” Trenton a part of our relationship. In fact he embraces it more than most could. He did not bat an eyelid when he first visited my house which is in some ways a shrine to the big guy (including the giant Trent head canvases I sleep surrounded by in my bedroom.) He has accepted without a hesitation the anxiety that riddles my daughters lives… the fact that I have three hours respite a week through the Council in which to see him alone….. the thousand questions a day about whether or not I will die when I am out at the shops, whether or not they will die in their sleep tonight, whether there are blood clots moving through their veins just waiting to take their life off them too…… I find it hard to bare….. and yes, that was an understated comment. He takes it in his stride and doesn’t allow it to waver his mood, he keeps everyone pepped up, and makes jokes to deflect from the craziness in the house. He is there when a cuddle is needed but knows when it is something he cannot help with. I don’t know what I did to deserve to meet someone so relaxed about my life, when I have found nothing about my life relaxing in a very long time…… but I know a good thing when I see it. And I know a genuine person when I meet them. He is both. So think twice before reacting to my news…… it is great. But it is new territory for the girls and I. I have not shared this with many people until now because of this….. but in true Emm fashion, here it is…… Enjoy the sunshine people. You never know how long it will shine. xxxxx