Yoghurt……. and Hell……..

So Yoghurt (which is Yoga) is my favourite thing on Earth at the moment. It is literally the only hour and a half in an entire week where I get to that level of relaxation. God damn it I try…….. but it’s bloody tough to get there. Even halfway through I’m only just touching the edge…. and by the meditation at the end, I could just about fall asleep I’m so relaxed and happy. It’s my own little piece of heaven on Earth. I have started trying to get to a second class a week, just to buy myself a second little slice of Heaven….. but it’s not always possible.  I must admit, as I’m typing that out it does seem a little sad! An hour and a half of calm a week?!!! WTF?? No wonder I feel slightly psychotic…… Home is a mess. Actually… home is Hell. (I really am hanging to be able to “not” say that….. honestly…… to say “No really, things are going so well here……!” but we are not there yet I’m afraid……)  I love those girls, but I am at the point where I can go from zero to psycho in point 3 of a second. So what can be a brilliant day, moment or even hour, can turn into complete shit in the next breath. The anxiety levels in this house can almost be seen by the naked eye……. On Sunday night my girls had an intervention of sorts for me. I have been literally begging Poppy to take my Dad’s offer up of coming back on a Thursday night so I can have a regular normal persons night off every week. She adores Pop……. but she is totally freaked out at the thought of committing to even one Pop night at the moment…. let alone multiples. She has this weird thing about wanting to be around females only right now. I don’t know if it feels more like being with me, or if she is just missing Trenton so much she doesn’t need the reminder…….. whatever it is, she is a total mess about him right now. They both told me that I am angry and grumpy “all” of the time. And worse…. that I scare them with my anger……… Ouch. It seems to be worse than any other time in the two years and thirty three days it’s been since we lost him, if that’s possible……..  She howls most nights as I put her down, and like I said in my past blogs, she can go from hysterical laughter, to anger, sadness, utter devastation and then right back to anger or hysteria in the space of ten minutes. She is totally confused, and 100% sure that her life will be this shit forever onwards. She keeps hearing his last words said to her over and over…… which knocks the wind out of me every time. Forget about telling her that she’ll always miss him but that it will get easier……. she will scream at you that you have no fucking idea what is going on inside of her body….. she doesn’t believe anyone knows…. and I guess she’s right. It’s very hard seeing Pops like this, because she is the deep, loving, positive and beautiful one in our family. She is exactly a little gal version of her dad. She will tell you a thousand times a day how much she loves you, how far she loves you, and what she would do to save your life. She is fiercely loyal, even to Ruby who belittles her and berates her on a daily (hourly) basis….. Rubes as gotten her OCD back with a vengeance, and now I have realised that the three hundred questions a day about whether or not something will kill her, is not her severe anxiety as I assumed, but her OCD which is forcing her to ask the questions and get a response from me that all is totally okay, or she thinks that she will die. Arghhhh……….. Yesterday Poppy suggested that she’d really like to ask Pop to the “Father’s day and Special persons breakfast”  (lovingly renamed this year upon my request…… ) I said I thought he’d be totally moved to come, and Ruby said “Oh I just might ask Rob to come seeing as he’s my Dad…..” And then turned to watch Poppy for a reaction. We had made a little pact that Rob would never be called Dad, but perhaps her “father.” It seemed less traumatic for Pops to cope with. And it was clear Rubes didn’t even want to call him that anyway, seeing as she calls him Rob……… She certainly NEVER calls him Dad. Well all hell broke loose, and there was screaming and abuse, and we were trying to get ready to visit a mate, and I completely lost my shit at her and told her “if she loved her Father so much, then maybe she should go live with him……” Yup. I have a real knack of saying “just” the right thing at the right time in my little fucked up world. Well of course the spotlight was on me for the evening, and once again I was immediately apologising….. and begging her to believe me that it wasn’t true. And once again she got away with being a total cow and starting it all in the first place. This is a tiny taste of a day in our household. Today I have to watch both of my kids sit through a psychological assessment organised by our lawyers for the hospital case….. I have literally lost sleep over it in the last month. They have to somehow prove that losing their Dad made a significant “impact” on their lives. Are you freaking kidding me? I’m pretty sure if they read my blog from the last year and a half they might realise just how big an impact it has made. It will affect them till the day they die. As it will the rest of us. The sad thing is that no amount of money could ever suffice….. it is now just a battle of Us versus Them. If I cannot prove that the hospital were negligent on roughly five different occasions….. I will probably never sleep a full night again as long as I live. Life can be a cruel bitch sometimes…… it is one thing to take one of the greatest men off us that ever waked the Earth…. but to then be able to say they did everything they could…….. well that would be the final nail in my coffin, that’s for sure. I feel like the least I can do to honour that man is prove them at fault. I hope that it will bring some peace to the girls as well. I am desperate for our little war to stop. Wish us luck. xx