The first day of the rest of my life? This is exactly how I felt the other day after we passed the two year mark since I lost my husband, and my kids lost their father to a pulmonary embolism on the 23rd of July 2013. Two years is a long time…… yet just a breath in most lifetimes. It’s definitely been the most challenging two I’ve had….. the saddest, the angriest, the closest I’ve come to admitting myself into a psychiatric hospital…… I wrote like a madwoman during this time. I am so glad I helped some fellow widow/ers and close mates through some tough times with my honesty (they shared this with me often…. which kept me blogging…) I may have hurt other people in my circle of family and friends with the brutal truths…… yet I couldn’t stop…. until I hit two weeks before the two year mark and I decided it was time to make some changes in my life. The sad, miserable, desperate and debilitating grief needed to stop pouring out of me……For mine and my girls sake. I wound down the public blogging, and here I am….. starting fresh in my life, and starting fresh with a new blog which will no doubt have some harsh truths within it, but I don’t care, because the truth is always what comes out of me, whether I like it or not. I do hope this particular blog will include some hilarious parts of my life too however…… After all, anyone that knows the girls and I will know that we have PLENTY of those moments on a daily basis. By the way, please don’t read it if you don’t want to!!!!!!! Thanks!!!
Today however, is the 11th of August 2015 and it just happens to be my 9 year wedding anniversary. A little sad for me as you can imagine, not being able to share it with my husband. We were always planning to remarry at the ten year mark so that we could have a massive back yard party, and I could drink!!!! Mine and Trent’s wedding day is still the greatest wedding I’ve ever been too…… yes I know that sounds a little bias, but truly it was a ripper! In an old wool shed/shack, lit up by thousands of candles with wild flowers everywhere, it was rustic as hell, and our food was cooked on the open fire right in front of us…. we had one guy singing and playing acoustic guitar, and we were surrounded by 100 of our best mates and family. Perfection. Trent was so proud when Mum, Dad, Ruby and I walked in hand in hand, because when we came through the huge gathering of people standing in front of three giant open fireplaces and Ruby saw him, she screamed out “Daddy” and ran ahead and threw herself into his arms. She had only recently started calling him Daddy…. in fact she started on his 30th birthday. He said it was the greatest present a man could ever ask for. I agreed, it was divine to hear her say that word. We were ten weeks pregnant with our second on this day, and I was hideously ill with morning sickness, but in retrospect, it didn’t dampen the day…. it’ll still go down as one of my faves of all time. We had a huge bridal party, six groomsmen and six bridesmaids, and Ruby, our 3 year old flower girl who walked in with her 4 year old cousin Ethan. Gorgeous. These are the memories that stick in your head years after losing someone. I am so glad we got to share our love for each other in front of everyone we loved. We pretty much knew from a couple of months in that we wanted to marry the shit out of each other……. a lovely feeling when it’s totally reciprocated. So after eight months we were engaged and after 18 months we were hitched with Pops on the way. God I’m so glad now that we didn’t “wait.” I have learned the absolute toughest way possible, that waiting is for idiots. No offense…… but what the hell are you waiting for? Someone better to come along? Your bank account to fill up? Your head to feel right? For you to have a better job? What if none of these things ever happen? You could only imagine then what could have been….. because it won’t have been…. and I can safely say I won’t be left with that feeling in my guts for the rest of my life…. that feeling that we didn’t do everything we could to make each other happy….. we absolutely did. There will always be those moments where I wish he could be there to see what I’m seeing, to hear what the kids are saying or see how they’re doing….. but there are no regrets from me. For that I’ll be forever grateful…….. Thanks for reading. xxxx
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