Well….. just when stuff starts to get good in this household…. it very quickly turns to shit. Well okay….. lets not bullshit, its rarely “really good” in this household…… its just not possible with a good mix of Aspergers/adhd and now raging female hormones. I dont even know where to start with the year we’ve had….. the fact that Dale has stuck it out astounds me…. to be honest the fact that I’ve stuck it out astounds me… I know I dont get much of a say as far as packing my bags and pissing of, but I wont lie, I’ve thought about it….. often. Year seven, 15 suspensions, a possible expulsion by term three, multiple friendship breakdowns, a new school trial in term 4 that lasted six weeks instead of one…. a transfer to that new school after only one day back at the old school….. (and of course the new one just happens to be nearly 2 hours commute on public transport each way from home…..) Oh… and did I mention the visit to the cop shop for online abuse and a near police charge the week before Christmas? Throw in three extra kids, their Mum that just likes to make life challenging for us…. and the usual issues that come from a blended family with 5 kids…. well, my new years resolution is to find a way for Dale and I to not feel so stressed…. all of the time. There is nothing more frustrating than having a child with severe social difficulties, apart from actually being that child yourself I guess. It’s tough to watch on, but damn is it tough to parent that kid, with absolutely no control of what they do, say, wear, act…. I literally scream “no”, and she does it anyway. Of course I constantly get that brilliant advice from random people that she just needs more discipline, more rules, technology taken away from her, ground her, threaten her, blah blah blah….. yup. Tried them all. Threaten her, she gets on a train to her Grandmas, take technology away, she grabs someone elses and uses it inappropriately, ground her, she sneaks out and we can’t find her, give her more rules… I’m struggling to get her to follow the basic ones she has to do to help keep the house running. Either I am the crappest parent to ever walk this Earth, or I’ve been given a pretty shit hand. She manipulates everyone around her. She’ll turn the eldest kid against the youngest, she’ll convince the middle two that they should be enemies, if we’re on holidays she’ll befriend someone Poppy adores and have them bagging her out in no time… people just seem to be controlled by her. She could convince an Eskimo that they had no need for their warm jacket and they’d hand it over without a second thought. Then the shitter side of this fucking disorder – she has severe anxiety and has to text me 30 times a day to ask bizarre questions about whether or not something will kill her, if some dude on the bus put drugs in her lunch, if her racing heart means she’ll drop dead from a heart attack, if she is being watched by pedofiles on the train, whether or not the food or drink she just consumed will make her vomit. (Her greatest fear….) My greatest fear? That she’ll stay like this forever….. that I won’t finish my Uni degree or I’ll lose my job on account of the amount of times she’ll contact me in an hour, or a day. That she’ll never stop calling or texting me and my relationships will deteriorate because my mind is always elsewhere, even when she’s not with me. That she’ll live at home forever and never spread her wings, or not finish school because its more important to socialise (even if she gets that one horribly wrong time and time again). That she’ll continue to hate me even though I am forever trying to help her…. and perhaps that she’ll read these blogs one day and truly hate me anyway. But if I don’t get it out, I really feel that I will explode. I feel guilt 30 hours out of every 24 a day. I am brutal with her, I mean literally brutal. I tell her how awful she can be, how much some people loathe her, where her life will end up and that she’s wasting it in front of our very eyes. Who does that shit to a 13 year old? My theory of course is to shock her into stopping….. but there is no stopping her. She can’t. She does not have control over this disorder, so how can we control it? Not possible. But you know what else is not possible? Convincing her that she needs to seek help, talk to a specialist, make some changes. As far as she can see (and I’m aware that this is a typical teenage trait) she is right, and its eveyone else in the world that is wrong. But add to that that this is also a classic Aspie trait too, and I fear that if she has been this way for 13 years already, what’s to say she wont be like this for her entire life? I’m not ready to accept that. When times are tough, the only thing that pulls us through is that shit will get easier. Its not, because every day it seems to get harder. And every family holiday now is dreaded…. by all. How sad. Thats such a crappy way to view it, but it is what it is. And I have no control over it. Done. Vent out and over with. Merry bloody Christmas friends, here’s to a better year next year. Xxx
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